What To Do

I've not felt anxiety in a while and I don't miss it.

Honestly, I don't know how I was able to get through the day when I felt what I did. Today was caused by letting the overwhelming amount of debt wash over my eyes. Everything from my credit card debt, upside-down payments on my car, all the way to the fact my job sucks.

I'm honestly going to work this week on creating an anonymous account and selling clothing online. In the event you need a bigger hint I'm talking about my boxers and socks. Sell them online to creepy pervs on Craigslist or the similar. I figure if I could get $50/day for a pair of boxers, I'm doing good. If it works, I'll even do $100 for special request.

Of course I want to remain anonymous so these creeps don't track me down and try to do things. You never know today. In fact I just found out one of the straighties I was infatuated with is being drugged and abused and raped. He has no friends and no family who is wanting to come to his rescue and it breaks my heart. Not because there's no one there, but because he's screwed over anyone who has attempted to help him and they want no part of his drama. It put a lump in my throat for me to know this was happening and I can't do much to help it.

On another note, I've deleted Grindr and just now deleted Whisper. I've got to the point where trying to reach out to people is exhausting. Everyone scolds me for not being social but I've tried and am continually cast aside when I show a picture or send a kind gesture. Just when you think you found someone they ghost you and you're left not knowing if it was you or not.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my Shadow, however. He's lying here behind the computer as I type this and gives me that look. That look knowing that no matter what I have him here. For the way I've treated him I'm surprised that he isn't fearful of me and hiding all the time. He gets scared when I come in the door because he thinks I'm going to be mad. I'm really working on my anger.

Tomorrow I hope to return to the gym. I haven't been in a week or more. Between the sudden rise in hooking up potential and the steep downfall of the STDs I got... it's been a roller coaster. I was getting phone numbers left and right and actually managed to hook up with quite the number of guys in the last week alone.

Despite the sexual side of me wanting that... I don't.

I wanted to text you and ask you: "When's the happiest you've seen me since we met in 2010?" You could point out the numerous fleeting moments when we saw a movie when you visited. But, be honest, because I know you know as well as I when I was the happiest. So is it wrong for me to want that again?

I'm doing all I can to work on myself and improve myself. I've let it slip lately but going to grab it back. I've lost weight and felt more energy than I have in months. In that same time I've let pass many opportunities where I seen happiness. Despite the joy those may have brought me, I keep trucking on and working on me. That's what everyone says: you do you.

What does that even mean? "You do you." If you take it at face value, you make yourself a recluse and bitter hermit. You walk all over anyone who you encounter for your own gain despite their feelings or what you should truly feel for them. Now what about the implied meaning? Making yourself happy. Well honestly you can't do that alone. Because if I see you laughing in a corner 24/7 by yourself, I'm calling the Fulton Funny Farm.

People don't realize that what makes me happy is surrounding myself with those similar to me. Those who can enjoy the simpler things in life and have fun without overdoing it or relying on fancy gadgets or occasions. Give me a sandwich, canoe, and some friends and I guarantee you I will have more fun with those three things than I will at the movie theater or sitting at the bar with a hangover.

This is the end of my rant tonight because I'm getting a headache and my Bug is needing some cuddles.


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