Do I Drink Anymore?

I hate having to leave my friends in the middle of a gathering. But I hate even more not enjoying myself and feeling uncomfortable.

Last night was terrible. I'm happy that my friend found herself a good man but he is a lot of things that I want. He was muscular and rough. He was sexual and funny. He was social and confident. And apparently he fucks like a god.

But being a seventh wheel is humiliating. I've been a third wheel most my life and sometimes fifth, but never seventh. I stayed for about an hour before I just walked out. After I left I sent a message and it wasn't responded to until about an hour total after I left. In fact they haven't even said anything to me today.

I just want to find my place. I want to feel like I'm wanted and I want to be shown it. A touch, a smile, a gift. Something to show me that they see me standing there and want me to be there and are happy I am. All of my friends are good to me but I know that there's an end to our friendship.

People criticize me for the hookups that I have. Never once do they ask if they were just hookups or was I really trying for more. In 90% of situations I'm trying for something more. Friendship. Companionship. Some kind of connection. It's like trying to teach a fish to walk on land.

I'm not ugly and I'm not unhealthy. I have a job, a car, and a general direction in life. I'm hygienic, which can't be said for a large majority of gays. I've lost a lot of weight and I'm working on toning my body. Just yesterday I had to buy new pants because my last pair of jeans were too lose.

Right now I'm just at a stand still in life. I'm trying to patient and wait for that moment I find someone. I'm waiting to see what life in general brings me. I'm just waiting anxiously. 


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