As I sit here with my large bottle of wine, I can't help but have a little smile on my face.

I thought I'd give myself my own card reading and see what I could draw. Of the book I was gifted it's hard to pick a spread that I wanted to use. So many seemed to fit the bill. I settled on the simple three card spread. My reading started out a little confusing by the way I picked up the cards but it became clear.

I do not want to be afraid. The future is full of many unknowns. Never did I believe I would look back a year ago and see my younger cousin resting in a coffin. His face void of any emotion. His mouth looked like it hadn't shown a smile in forever. All of my family that I hadn't seen in ages and this is how I had to be brought together. There was only one person I wanted to comfort me.

Same song, different words. Jacob, why was it Jacob? Why couldn't it be Jacob? Did Jacob not love me?

No, he didn't.

And from that moment it was the last bit of unraveling for our relationship... for my relationship.

I don't care anymore. My heart has broken, healed, re-broke, re-healed deformed. I feel the last door shutting and there exist no feelings, no second thoughts about it closing forever. I will find happiness and you won't be it.

Those three cards showed me what I had. My one-sided past with you. My patience in the present. And my happiness in the future. Not a thought of you was on my mind when I drew those cards.

Goodbye forever, Jacob.


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