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Showing posts from February, 2018

Do I Drink Anymore?

I hate having to leave my friends in the middle of a gathering. But I hate even more not enjoying myself and feeling uncomfortable.

Last night was terrible. I'm happy that my friend found herself a good man but he is a lot of things that I want. He was muscular and rough. He was sexual and funny. He was social and confident. And apparently he fucks like a god.

But being a seventh wheel is humiliating. I've been a third wheel most my life and sometimes fifth, but never seventh. I stayed for about an hour before I just walked out. After I left I sent a message and it wasn't responded to until about an hour total after I left. In fact they haven't even said anything to me today.

I just want to find my place. I want to feel like I'm wanted and I want to be shown it. A touch, a smile, a gift. Something to show me that they see me standing there and want me to be there and are happy I am. All of my friends are good to me but I know that there's an end to our friends…

Cut

As I sit here with my large bottle of wine, I can't help but have a little smile on my face.

I thought I'd give myself my own card reading and see what I could draw. Of the book I was gifted it's hard to pick a spread that I wanted to use. So many seemed to fit the bill. I settled on the simple three card spread. My reading started out a little confusing by the way I picked up the cards but it became clear.

I do not want to be afraid. The future is full of many unknowns. Never did I believe I would look back a year ago and see my younger cousin resting in a coffin. His face void of any emotion. His mouth looked like it hadn't shown a smile in forever. All of my family that I hadn't seen in ages and this is how I had to be brought together. There was only one person I wanted to comfort me.

Same song, different words. Jacob, why was it Jacob? Why couldn't it be Jacob? Did Jacob not love me?

No, he didn't.

And from that moment it was the last bit of unravelin…