Never Enough

Hi! Omg! There has been many times that I've wanted to post but either got busy or distracted by something else. I'm posting tonight because I made a promise to a best friend I would. For some reason, she suggested it when I had been thinking I should.

Where to start?

Well, I guess for now I'm going to stay in the Field of Spring. Plans to move have been halted dramatically by both debt and my career.
I say career only because it's a type of "official" job with a fancy title and what-not. But it's not something I want to do forever. I have never been one for sales and for now that still holds true. Unless something gives in my personality dramatically it's not going to work.
As for my debt, that's pretty much a given. I've NEVER been this far in debt before and I'll be damned before I allow it to get worse (I say as I order pizza online instead of eating at home the leftovers previously prepared).

Before that I was becoming spam.

You ever liked something on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and suddenly you're bombarded with likes and friend request and follows? Yep, that's what I'm doing to hopefully work on some easy cash. There's no way that I'm going to be able to muster a second job at this point. My sanity and disgust for the public is already stretched at maximum. And I'm not sure what would happen to me if I had to go back to the Mart and ask for a third chance at a job.
I briefly tried a GoFundMe, but Lord knows that isn't going to get me anywhere; regardless of what I put. Don't get me wrong, it's still active. I just have no faith in results. I'm not terminally ill. I'm not dying from a 1:1,000,000 chance of something. I'm just a gay country guy living in the center of the continental US who is probably the friendliest person you know once you get past the exterior wall but people seem to only use, abuse, and discard as old news.

Speaking of: had a teenager over the other night. Psh! First mistake, teenager. He had come over once before after talking briefly on Grindr. We moved to SnapChat and talked for a week until he finally came to my place after work. Stayed for about 30 minutes trying to pet Shadow but he kept running to me. Hint #2. Again he came over after basically cornering him and of course it ended with sex and him running out the door after telling me I was sexy and the hottest thing he ever had. #3!

I find myself occasionally thinking about the things that a certain someone accomplished and feeling a sting of failure in my stomach. Here I'm trying to move on and away with my life and I'm settling. Hopefully this is only temporary and I can blast out soon.

I was so stupid after the breakup to do what I did. Rebuild my life but instead of being humble and grateful for what I had and could get for less, I upgraded everything. Now I have a car with mismatched doors that I can't Uber with. I have a bed frame and matching set on a credit card months from being paid off. I have a bike still sitting in the same spot it has for the last 12 months.

I guess I can't complain. I did become closer to a few of my friends. Off the top of my head, I can't say I made any great new friends. There was several love interest that fucked up hardcore and still are.

I mean, let's invite the ex-fiance over, not tell the guy that we're seeing, sleep with said ex, let said ex reach out jealously to the guy we're seeing, allow him to fuck over that guys job, and then volunteer to drive him back to the airport. And it doesn't end there folks. We'll message the guy we're seeing trying to rebuild a connection, profusely and annoyingly apologize everyday, say we're gonna make it better, ask to fuck, then go radio silent.

Never have I been so disgusted with the dating pool. There were better prospects in my small town of 1200 people than this city of 500,000 (give or take). I don't do drama and will not deal with yours. I have some of my own and it's already hard enough not to rip it out of my life. You know!

Lately I find my moods swinging wildly. Like just from writing this I went from content and calm to feeling on top of the world and probably will feel like shit in another minute. Last night Shadow probably was thankful I went to bed. I was smothering him with all the attention I gave him unlike I normally do. I was picking him up, blowing on his stomach, playing with his feet, kissing him, etc.

Honestly I just need a companion. It doesn't have to be an official relationship. But someone I can give myself to and distract my mind with until I figure out where I want to be and do. No one around here wants that though. They want the 10" and one night stand with the guys who have ripped muscles and fat checks in their slacks.

Right now the thing I look forward to is Ready Player One. Avengers comes around that time, but this movie has all MY nostalgia. The biggest factor being the DeLorean! Ugh, nerd-gasm!

I'm going to try and be more active but we all know how that has worked in the past. For now, I'm logging out. I actually have to be to work early on purpose for a conference call. See y'all later!


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