My Greatest Enemy

I really don't know what I need to do anymore.

I am literally the only thing standing in my way.

All I want to do is be held. I want to feel warm. Hear a heartbeat. Find my home. Be loved...

I used to be this person that didn't care about the time I worked the next day. You could catch me with friends out til midnight or later playing board games, watching movies, or just talking. Somewhere along the line I lost that.

My parents used to worry about me because there was a time I didn't have a worry in the world. I would skip gaily into an unknown location looking so rough and not pay any attention except to my end goal.

Then I got into a relationship. And I thought I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back I don't think I was.

I distanced myself from friends. I gave up on things that used to bring me joy.

...

And I finally did it. Or at least I hope I did.

While typing this and listening to Gavin DeGraw's Make A Move in the background, I deleted Jacob from Facebook and SnapChat.

Just like that my heart is broke again because as I click the "unfriend" button I look at one comment about how he was excited. And it said it was because he was having a visitor.

...Mr. Perfect.

More than likely. I'm not sure.

....

You know, I don't enjoy feeling like this. It may look like I do it for attention but that's not the case. I want to be happy. No matter what I do I get thrown back down and I don't believe it's gently like to some. No. I'm thrown down and my face stomped further into the dirt.

Some days I wish fairy-tales did exist. I could be a vampire and turn off my humanity and just be evil. Or I could rip my heart out and toss it to the side. On and on, but there'd be a simpler fix for what I'm feeling and how to get rid of it.

I think often of what would happen if I just quit game today. How would it end? Would I be there on a cold table as the light faded from my eyes as doctors tried to stop the bleeding? Would there be those few seconds after I pull the trigger that I'd stare at Shadow as he tries to figure out what happened?



I'm not strong. I can't even write this as I wanted to. There is a shirt beside me covered in snot and tears because I've been crying for the last hour as I've tried to get this out.

Never more have I just wanted... needed to be held. I don't want this year to be the same as last year. I don't want to be heartbroken for 12 more months.


I just want help.

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