It's Been A Long Time

Once upon a time I used to be able to get laid woth every paycheck. Sometimes more frequently.

I'm so dry and dusty that I actually had a sex dream last night. First in forever. Forever!

He was an old college roommate. Ha! The last one I would have actually. First college friend, too. Little twink-like guy with a firm chest, the right curves, firm ass, and... gifted.

I guess I had cleaning on my mind as I prepare for Jacob to arrive as my dream was in a Walmart/my bathroom mix. We were in the cleaning aisles because I want to clean the grout before he gets here. We kept walking and I guess I have up because we just transitioned to my bathroom.

I was upset over something. Probably the latest interest. I was getting ready to cry when he was suddenly shirtless. Then naked! And so was I!

I felt my butt against the sink counter meaning I was as shocked as I thought. He stepped forward til our hips (and other things) were touching. He reached around my back and the other hand on my shoulder and kissed me. Like a real deep kiss.

Of course dream me went with it while my head was working overtime trying to comprehend what was happening. Strangely enough I was still flaccid and so was he. But it was hot and... just what I felt I needed.

Not hot, random, sketchy sex. I need a connection.

I knew this kid because we became close friends in college. I felt comfortable with him and he was teaching me things, and I him. That feeling was there.

I've given up on Grindr because, despite what someone says, it's a one time thing. That's all. You feel even more shitty when it's done. And I don't enjoy that feeling because it makes me drink in a bad way.

Let's backtrack a moment:

Why the hell am I so uptight about having everything perfect for when Jacob arrives?!

I don't have anything to prove to him. He knows I can love, forgive, and move on. Jacob is the one that lacks the ability to love and care and show it! I get more touchy-feely emotions from my shower curtain than I ever did him.

There was one time he really made me swoon. When he sent a text saying in a world of fishes, I was his frog.

(And there comes a text from my grandparents while talking sex and gay love.)

That was the only time that's solidified in my mind when I truly felt loved. I spent many moments trying to make him happy. A Valentine's Eve night when I crept to his office at the bank and decorated with pink and red hearts and candy and a stuffed bear. I got coffee during my class...

I haven't spoken to him in length for some time now. He sent a snap of a "hairy" chest this morning telling me he needed to shave. Fucker I could be mistaken for the Ozarks Bigfoot!

Speaking of, on my shopping list is hair care treatment. Again, so I can somehow appeal to him. I even bathed the cat!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

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