Hello My Old Friend

I'm on my vacation and where am I headed?


It's been the longest 7-8 months since our breakup. At the same time it was gone in the blink of an eye. But after reaching out to him over a month ago, I feel it's time to take another step.

A mixture of both excitement and fear tumble deep in my stomach. As the days have grown closer to this moment, it's been more and more evident what I'm feeling. However, as I type this all out I feel it being flushed out of me.

I'm excited that I can see my ex... my friend again. I can see his smile and feel his warmth on my skin. The feeling of love and that hole being filed deep in my soul. The hope and possibility of a new future in a completely different direction but in the right direction.

On the other side of that coin is all the fear. Fear that this will end as a hookup. Or possibly just drifting apart after I get back. If I'm to be paranoid, recently I've been seeing gaps in our conversation. Responses coming later. One word replies. What if it just keeps up and is eventually gone?
Maybe that'll be for the best because it gives me time to move on as well. But I don't want to; not after all this. I had to swallow so much pride and values to reach out to him and apologize. It can't all go to waste.

When I ask him of his feelings, he seems content. He isn't, or won't, show any feeling. Whether it be similar to what I feel or completely different, he doesn't give me any evidence of what to expect. We have changed personalities since our last meeting, yet keeping to some of our moral foundations.

He doesn't realize that I'm going to be able to see it all though. He may not remember but I was close to his heart for almost two years. I could see the things he felt and thought even though he wouldn't tell me. I'm going to be able to see it all again. I have an inkling knowing that he may cry when I get off that plane.

I know I will.

All of my friends and family have said I've changed since he left. Sure, I've developed better morals and became a little bit more of an "adult." It's only because I shut my heart away and didn't want to let anyone close again. Should I still be cautious this weekend?

It's hard enough making it til tomorrow when the plane leaves; I don't need to add more fears written in digital context to follow me going forward.

For that, I'll end here. I leave tomorrow for a place of new beginnings and may it be the beginning I need.


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