Dear Love,

I'm not sure if you'll stumble across this or not. Either way it won't matter much as I've made up my mind.

I've had this thought for quite some time and it's slowly switched places with the fantasy I was praying for.

...funny. Praying was the song on your radio when you picked me up. You had just started the Jeep and it begun at the first chord at the same second. I thought it was ironic but didn't think much of it until now.

This past weekend was... needed. I can't say it was great or awful because it was somewhere in the middle if not both. It has been half a year since I laid eyes on you and there you were inches in front of my face. I had went with the intention of a first date scenario just to keep to our word of progressing slow. That didn't last very long. You made me cry and you made me smile. Several times I just watched you. Taking in the details of your face, your body, your movements.

After getting back to my home, I've felt so many things and had just as many thoughts. We've talked since then and it's been noticeably trailing off. But here's the thing:

I'm not going to try and stop it.

I've been holding onto the fantasy of being with you so long that I've suffocated the idea to the point I killed it. I won't be that person. You know where I stand and what I feel. It's your turn now. You show me what you feel. If we come back together and you give me something to base my love on, then we can try again. However, if it continues at the rate currently, we'll be done before the end of the year.

Not done like an argument. But no longer moving together towards a future.

I want to cry at this moment and there's a part pushing forward the tears but I'm not going to allow it. I've cried enough over you this past year. This year, thankfully almost over, has been shit. I have felt just as shitty if not worse.

I can't go back to the life we've passed on though I desperately want to. My stomach turns at the thought of setting down what I've worked so hard for these past couple of months and letting it go. In fact, I'm getting dizzy now thinking about it.

But for this to work, I have a few things I need to work on, but you...

...you need to show me what I'm looking for.

Your heart. Your love.


You.

Until then, you'll know where to find me unless I make a dramatic move. And at this point, it's very possible. But balls in your court now buddy. Will you throw back to me? Or will you score you're own success?


Forever loving you,
Colt.

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