For the Love, For the Love

Not tryna be in that
Not tryna be cool
Just tryna be in this
Tell me how you choose
It's something the way that my life has been going lately. For what I thought would just be bland, easy, and void, it's turning to be different.
Can you feel why you're in this
Can you feel it through
All of the windows
Inside this room
Hopefully in a week my bedroom furniture is to be delivered. I'll no longer be sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I'll have more space for storage with a dresser; I won't need all my shorts, socks, underwear, and spare blankets tucked into an ottoman.

I have my washer and dryer still and they have only cost me about $10 more electricity a month. Where I was spending up to $20 a weekend, in some cases, to get clean laundry. My gym clothes no longer need to bathe in their stink for long periods of time.
'Cause I wanna touch you, baby
And I wanna feel you, too
I wanna see the sunrise and your sins
Just me and you
I no longer really feel alone from day-to-day. There are still moments when I feel down or upset and just want to disappear under my covers. For the most part I feel confident and strong as the day progresses. Less and less do I look at others and feel critical or urges to lust after them; they're just becoming people like myself.
Light it up, on the run
Let's make love, tonight
Make it up, fall in love, try
I feel my connections to people changing and becoming more positive. I feel like I'm becoming more likable and less negative. In fact, I know that is what it is. I'm still not the "social butterfly" I could look like sometimes, but I'm taking steps towards that.
But you'll never be alone
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn
Baby, I'm right here
But I guess that's what love does to you: gives new life. I once found it and had that glow before with a constant smile and it dwindled over time as things were lost.
I'll hold you when things go wrong
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn
Baby, I'm right here
I know I talk about him a lot; to a point that sometimes becomes obsessive, I'm aware. No one understands the light he shines in my heart though. Where once I wrote a story about my heart and the walls that were thrown up to protect myself after losing so much in a short time. He came around and his light pierced that veil and warmed a place so deep inside me.

He has his flaws; who doesn't! Those near me have a reason to be very upset with him. I ask those same people: were you not happy when he brought life to me in a new way? Were you not happy when I became so happy that I couldn't stop smiling and being light on my feet?


But now I'm going to show you the flip-side.

It scares me so much the future that could be, will be, and is meant to be.

In my progress to bettering myself, I've given up trying to control the things I can't and accepting for the possibilities that come from what I once thought was bad. For example: should things be perfect, I'd move to Florida.

Again, the negative side of that is what happens to me if my heart gets broken all over again? I'm a naturally open person, but he isn't. The fear that eats at my conscious periodically is that he isn't the same. He's just wanting sex and he's getting it in those periods when he's not talking to me.

Over the last few days, I'll admit those feelings have been stronger with smaller bits of conversation. Also with conversation that is becoming bland or sexual all the time. There's no difference in one conversation to the next. I've tried to get him talking about himself and what he feels and thinks about anything but I don't get very far.

The one thing I want so bad is to be able to finally touch him and feel his heart. To allow my superpower to tell me which direction my future is heading towards.

I cry at the thought of getting together only to be a hookup or to find that the spark has officially faded. Cry at the thought that it'll all just stop right there. Fall apart and no effort will be made to pick it back up. It's played out in my head many times what will happen to me should that happen. I could probably be able to move on, but I doubt I'll ever be in a relationship again.

Yea, I can say that and people scoff knowing that things happen. But I honestly don't see my heart being able to open up like that to another person. I wouldn't be suicidal... I'd just be empty. An empty vessel that exists to exist.
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn
Now that I've given in to that mindset for a brief moment and made myself cry, I'm turning it back over.

The urge to be closer to him is what would help me for sure. I can't speak for him and what he feels and I won't push. He can tell me those things when he's ready. If I could just be closer, I'd be more confident in the future.

I've changed for the better. Learned how to cook and survive. Made myself stronger to feel comfortable in my body and the way I look. My drive for success has went into overdrive and I push for something better.

I want to be the boyfriend that I wasn't, or wasn't good enough, like before. I want to be that guy he can show off and be happy to have (as I was him in the beginning). I want to give him strength and not be the anchor weighing him down as I sometimes did or feel like I do. I want to be that happy ending at the end of the movie when the two characters look deep into each others eyes and you can feel the strength watching. The desire they have for one another because it's perfect.
Baby, I'm right here.


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