To You

I'm kicking myself right now. I had this all typed out excellently and it got deleted on my phone right before publishing. Now I'm on my computer trying to retype out all of my feelings that have now been released into a digital void, unable to be reclaimed.

I'm scared.

This past week has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. It started out with my cat having issues to my heart quickly breaking down inside me. Let me tell you the story.

Early last week I came home to find Shadow bloated on the floor, barely moving, and rigid with pain. It looked like he was trying to pee everywhere but unsuccessful. I tried to hold him, massage his stomach, or coax him with treats with no change. I was sure I was going to lose him and finally be alone.

I managed to go to bed only to be greeted with one of my regular dreams. Again I was the one asking for forgiveness and none being given. Waking, I was covered in sweat with tears running down my facing making my heart finally break into tiny little pieces. With it was my mind for I knew no longer what to do. I was lost.

I took my cat to the vet and went to work the same, except with a continued stream of tears running down my face. One of my coworkers showed up and, after clocking in, I shut myself in her office to talk. She knew not what to say for my dilemma. My heart was clearly still broken despite the charade I was able to masquerade over the past couple months. No longer I could contain it, though.

After being motioned out of her office, I shut myself in my own only to cry further. I pulled my phone out of my desk drawer hoping for some magical answer but clearly wasn't going to receive one. Opening up Facebook I did the only thing I knew to do and that was to remove his name from my blocked list. From there I navigated to a new message and began typing out similar to what I'm typing here.

I'm sorry.

From there I thought that was the end. No reply to be had, no glance to be cast. I was wrong. You replied with telling me you wanted to talk further. Here began my roller coaster.

My heart fluttered then sank. Fluttered. Sank. This has been a constant despite the medicine since that day. Let me start with the optimistic parts.

Work goes by a lot better. I feel like I can smile and get through the day with no problems knowing you're somewhere at the end. At the gym I feel more motivated to continue with the goal I wish to achieve. My heart still flutters when I see that it's you on my phone with words of kindness or compassion.

Yet, constantly I'm reminded of the reality. The distance between, the time spent apart, the action taken in the end. I'm scared that it's all meaningless.

We agreed to take it slow and by God if I'm not trying my hardest. My fear is that I'm not and that I'm going to scare you away. That I'm going to scare you away with feelings you may or may not have had in forever. However, I also fear moving too slow. I fear that I won't take a step when I need to and you'll finally drift off into the arms of someone else.

I really hate that I lost the original draft of this. It was better composed with thoughts and feelings where this one seems lost.

I guess I'll just get to my point.

You clearly know where I'm headed and I hope that you want the same, too. It's hard to read you due to some of your reserve nature. Emotions can scare you and I understand that. I'm an open book and lay everything out on the table because I know I'm human and there are others that have similar situations.

What I'm trying to say is, please don't be discouraged if some of my fears come out like they are at this time. It just means that I'm thinking realistically about our situation. However I pray I make the right moves with you so that one day our tracks intertwine again; that our story continues with one another.

I can't speak for you, but for me I could see a happy ending with you. As much as I want that, it scares me to know that it could also not happen. But I will continue to fight to keep things right as I have always in the past. Everything worth having is always worth the fight.

So while I know these depressive/pessimistic things tend to turn you away, know that I'm not going to let them have the best of me. For you. I'm holding on to a simplistic dream that keeps me moving towards the fairy-tale that I hope for.

Hand in hand walking along a beach. Watching the sun kiss the water as it dips below the horizon. Toes squishing in the wet sand and a gentle salty breeze on our necks.

You were always my knight in shining armor. Can you let me be yours? Even if I'm actually a retard in tin foil?

I know you have things you still want to work towards; I have things I still want to work on as well. However, what I want most is to work on those things together as we did before.

I'm still upset I can't make this as good as my last draft. It was award winning material. Maybe even movie worthy.

I do know my ending thought was this:

During our time apart I've listened to many songs on repeat. Songs of course are the words that sometimes can't be said. There's been a song for every moment and every emotion I've felt for this time, but there's one that perfectly fits where you and I are at in our story. Let's Be Us Again by Lonestar. More so, one part of that song stands out. 

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end. 
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again

I understand that you get scared of your emotions and you prefer to avoid confrontations. All I'm asking is for a second chance for you and I to continue our story together. I'm aware that we are currently working on that right now. What I'm wanting you to know is to please don't be discouraged by how I act or what I say. I'm just afraid of losing you again whether it be for moving too fast or too slow. 

I'm more than likely going to send this to you via text. Please don't take this just at the words that are here in front of you. I hope that you can see the feeling behind it (even if it was lost with the original post). I love you and I want to be us again.


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