My Hell

I know it's been a long while since I posted. In fact, I didn't even finish the 30 Days of Pride writing prompt.

I'll admit to being lazy and ill-motivated to really accomplish anything. Recent days have had me rethinking this process. (And I missed the intro image so I thought I'd add it for spice.)

Basically my days are spent working, coming home and entertaining myself for a couple hours, then bed. For the weekends I sleep later, entertain myself til I'm hungry, drive around town snacking on various fast food, coming home to entertain myself numbly again, then bed. This has to end.

This last weekend I went out and bought some new gym clothes, got myself some workout supplements and food, and I spent two hours each day in the gym. Before you say anything, no I didn't spend the majority of the time on my phone. In fact, my phone was in my pocket the majority of the time listening to whatever song came on.

I can't say that I've pushed myself to the edge but that's where I'm working towards. There's been a few times, like tonight, I worked myself til my arms shake or I can't sit up in the bed.

I want... I need to be the gay I can ultimately be. I've got the shining personality and compassion. Now I just need the looks. Maybe then I'd be able to get a date. I want the body that I don't have to angle my phones camera to extreme to find the "good side." Simply put, I want to make him want me back like the rest.

It's been almost six months and I'm still suffering from his memory. Last night alone was a major punch in the gut. Living in some sort of dormitory I could tell we lived together and was on the cusp of a breakup. Just like in real life I told him that if he slipped, I'd be gone. I turn around and catch him on top of another guy passionately kissing him. I can't even begin to tell you the sick feeling I got in my stomach as I started throwing my stuff in containers to leave. I woke to a sweat and tears with the cats ass in my face.

I've been on one date to which ended up with the guy no longer talking to me. I've attempted a few hookups only to be stood up or driving to the person only to get just a vague location and no further response. The few hookups I've had are with a guy almost twice my age and a drag queen who's been wanting to date for some time. Unfortunately I know I wouldn't be able to support that freelance activity. Nothing against drags, they're hilarious to watch, but I couldn't date one.

I like a guy for being a guy. Sadly around here guys are everything but. Not to mention they've got a laundry list of high profile demands from a guy before they even consider meeting them or even replying to a simple "hello."

Jumped on a bandwagon and downloaded this anonymous message app where people can tell you things without their identity being released. I've had it fore 24 hours and shared it on social media and got one reply. A rising friend here in the area telling me I was too good for Springfield. And the crazy thing, I know I am.

Any longer, I might as well be as stuck up as these other pricks while shielding the spark deep inside me. You know, the one a special woman likes to look for during every meeting. Knowing that I truly am myself when she sees it.

Sure, I've got the resting bitch-face when I'm out alone. It's because I'm almost always deep in thought thinking about something completely unrelated to the situation I'm in. For example, I was at the gym this evening thinking about the wallflower scents I need from Bath & Body Works. And I can't rely on any of my "friends" around here to help set me up. They know what gets my gears moving; it's not a fucking mystery. Anymore they seem to be disappearing and leaving me on read just like the guys I strive for attention from.

This is my dilemma. This is my nightmare that plays daily and reminds me what I have, but more so what I don't have.

The love of one.


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