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An Exotic Experience

To say that life was looking up was a fleeting wish. But I do have to say I like the way that it arrived.

After finally agreeing to meet a guy for dinner after a movie with friends, I was about to put off guys. I agreed to meet him in the parking garage Downtown. Little did I know there was multiple parking garages for this small city. After walking circles I finally seen him walking up and a small inner-bully came out.

He was walking up with giant glasses and short shorts. I instantly felt embarrassed. Trying to keep conversation going was next to impossible. No matter what I said, it kept coming back to me and how I was amazing. I regretted sending him all those pictures and dirty messages. The entire time he just kept staring at me and I did anything possible to not look at him. Quickly I ate through my burger so I could leave.

Arriving home I instantly hoped on Grindr to see if there was a redeeming favor. A guy that I couldn't even find on my local grid popped through. Cute …

Feeling Numb

As instructed, I'm typing a blog.

Probably because of my comment earlier about not feeling anything for anyone anymore. Just a feeling of numbness and non-emotion for people and things. It just seems worthless trying to relate or to even bother having feelings for people.

I've tried hard many times to relate, to make friends, to find love. All that I'm blessed with is messages without response, plans without action, and anxiety unchecked.

Right now the majority of my Snapchat messages have been read over two or three days ago without a response. I have one guy that only messages me when he's horny. Creating a new account each time to message me from. He doesn't get the hint that I don't want to fuck or suck all the time.

Really what I want is just companionship. Not a date, not a friend, just someone to hang out with. Make up for all the flakes and failed plans. I've set up so many "drinks" with people only to fall back sitting at home and watchi…

What To Do

I've not felt anxiety in a while and I don't miss it.

Honestly, I don't know how I was able to get through the day when I felt what I did. Today was caused by letting the overwhelming amount of debt wash over my eyes. Everything from my credit card debt, upside-down payments on my car, all the way to the fact my job sucks.

I'm honestly going to work this week on creating an anonymous account and selling clothing online. In the event you need a bigger hint I'm talking about my boxers and socks. Sell them online to creepy pervs on Craigslist or the similar. I figure if I could get $50/day for a pair of boxers, I'm doing good. If it works, I'll even do $100 for special request.

Of course I want to remain anonymous so these creeps don't track me down and try to do things. You never know today. In fact I just found out one of the straighties I was infatuated with is being drugged and abused and raped. He has no friends and no family who is wanting to come t…

Do I Drink Anymore?

I hate having to leave my friends in the middle of a gathering. But I hate even more not enjoying myself and feeling uncomfortable.

Last night was terrible. I'm happy that my friend found herself a good man but he is a lot of things that I want. He was muscular and rough. He was sexual and funny. He was social and confident. And apparently he fucks like a god.

But being a seventh wheel is humiliating. I've been a third wheel most my life and sometimes fifth, but never seventh. I stayed for about an hour before I just walked out. After I left I sent a message and it wasn't responded to until about an hour total after I left. In fact they haven't even said anything to me today.

I just want to find my place. I want to feel like I'm wanted and I want to be shown it. A touch, a smile, a gift. Something to show me that they see me standing there and want me to be there and are happy I am. All of my friends are good to me but I know that there's an end to our friends…

Cut

As I sit here with my large bottle of wine, I can't help but have a little smile on my face.

I thought I'd give myself my own card reading and see what I could draw. Of the book I was gifted it's hard to pick a spread that I wanted to use. So many seemed to fit the bill. I settled on the simple three card spread. My reading started out a little confusing by the way I picked up the cards but it became clear.

I do not want to be afraid. The future is full of many unknowns. Never did I believe I would look back a year ago and see my younger cousin resting in a coffin. His face void of any emotion. His mouth looked like it hadn't shown a smile in forever. All of my family that I hadn't seen in ages and this is how I had to be brought together. There was only one person I wanted to comfort me.

Same song, different words. Jacob, why was it Jacob? Why couldn't it be Jacob? Did Jacob not love me?

No, he didn't.

And from that moment it was the last bit of unravelin…

My Greatest Enemy

I really don't know what I need to do anymore.

I am literally the only thing standing in my way.

All I want to do is be held. I want to feel warm. Hear a heartbeat. Find my home. Be loved...

I used to be this person that didn't care about the time I worked the next day. You could catch me with friends out til midnight or later playing board games, watching movies, or just talking. Somewhere along the line I lost that.

My parents used to worry about me because there was a time I didn't have a worry in the world. I would skip gaily into an unknown location looking so rough and not pay any attention except to my end goal.

Then I got into a relationship. And I thought I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back I don't think I was.

I distanced myself from friends. I gave up on things that used to bring me joy.

...

And I finally did it. Or at least I hope I did.

While typing this and listening to Gavin DeGraw's Make A Move in the background, I deleted Jacob from F…

Never Enough

Hi! Omg! There has been many times that I've wanted to post but either got busy or distracted by something else. I'm posting tonight because I made a promise to a best friend I would. For some reason, she suggested it when I had been thinking I should.

Where to start?

Well, I guess for now I'm going to stay in the Field of Spring. Plans to move have been halted dramatically by both debt and my career.
I say career only because it's a type of "official" job with a fancy title and what-not. But it's not something I want to do forever. I have never been one for sales and for now that still holds true. Unless something gives in my personality dramatically it's not going to work.
As for my debt, that's pretty much a given. I've NEVER been this far in debt before and I'll be damned before I allow it to get worse (I say as I order pizza online instead of eating at home the leftovers previously prepared).

Before that I was becoming spam.

You ever…