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For the Love, For the Love

Not tryna be in that
Not tryna be cool
Just tryna be in this
Tell me how you choose It's something the way that my life has been going lately. For what I thought would just be bland, easy, and void, it's turning to be different.
Can you feel why you're in this
Can you feel it through
All of the windows
Inside this room Hopefully in a week my bedroom furniture is to be delivered. I'll no longer be sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I'll have more space for storage with a dresser; I won't need all my shorts, socks, underwear, and spare blankets tucked into an ottoman.

I have my washer and dryer still and they have only cost me about $10 more electricity a month. Where I was spending up to $20 a weekend, in some cases, to get clean laundry. My gym clothes no longer need to bathe in their stink for long periods of time.
'Cause I wanna touch you, baby
And I wanna feel you, too
I wanna see the sunrise and your sins
Just me and youI no longer really feel alone from day-t…

A New Glow

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There, it’s been said. You can’t deny it now.
“Colt, you’re glow is back,” said my agent with a raised eyebrow.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times more.  Ever since I was little, materials things didn’t matter to me. Sure, what kid can deny the adventure of walking down Route 1 towards the first gym or traveling to a Shadow Realm. Those were fleeting moments that merely built structure to my life. No, my end goal from day one was finding that person who held the other half of my soul. And I like to believe that I’ve found him.
Originally thought to be a girl, because you know gay is a sin. I quickly realized that wasn’t making me happy denying who I was. When I finally admitted to myself what I actually was and what greatness I was hiding underneath, the world began opening up. When it did, he was there.
It can be argued that in today’s world there no longer exists a one true love but instead multiple loves that continue to push us forward until the end. I disagree. Th…

To You

I'm kicking myself right now. I had this all typed out excellently and it got deleted on my phone right before publishing. Now I'm on my computer trying to retype out all of my feelings that have now been released into a digital void, unable to be reclaimed.

I'm scared.

This past week has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. It started out with my cat having issues to my heart quickly breaking down inside me. Let me tell you the story.

Early last week I came home to find Shadow bloated on the floor, barely moving, and rigid with pain. It looked like he was trying to pee everywhere but unsuccessful. I tried to hold him, massage his stomach, or coax him with treats with no change. I was sure I was going to lose him and finally be alone.

I managed to go to bed only to be greeted with one of my regular dreams. Again I was the one asking for forgiveness and none being given. Waking, I was covered in sweat with tears running down my facing making my heart finally break …

My Hell

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I know it's been a long while since I posted. In fact, I didn't even finish the 30 Days of Pride writing prompt.

I'll admit to being lazy and ill-motivated to really accomplish anything. Recent days have had me rethinking this process. (And I missed the intro image so I thought I'd add it for spice.)

Basically my days are spent working, coming home and entertaining myself for a couple hours, then bed. For the weekends I sleep later, entertain myself til I'm hungry, drive around town snacking on various fast food, coming home to entertain myself numbly again, then bed. This has to end.

This last weekend I went out and bought some new gym clothes, got myself some workout supplements and food, and I spent two hours each day in the gym. Before you say anything, no I didn't spend the majority of the time on my phone. In fact, my phone was in my pocket the majority of the time listening to whatever song came on.

I can't say that I've pushed myself to the edg…

30 Days of Pride - Day 19 thru 22

19. Share your favorite memory.You're asking me to dig into a amnesiac fog. My favorite memory, and one that will haunt me forever, is when my recent ex sent me a picture message. It was a frog riding a goldfish with the caption: "in a world full of fish, find yourself a frog." Below the message was his text: "you're my frog."20. Share something you love about your significant other - or - how you’re making the most of being single.I wish there was something I could say for being single but sadly nothing much. I'm just trying to enjoy my time and think about me and my health instead of what I used to have.21. How did you meet the last person you had feelings for?That's a great question and I honestly can't remember. All I can remember was that he wouldn't stop pestering me about meeting outside of Grindr. I was angry after a night of work at Walmart and said if he wanted to meet the mess that was me, he could catch me at McDonald's. Sure…

Stand By Me

It's impossible for me to be happy...I've fallen down so far that I don't think I'll ever come up for air. No one can make this DarkShark smile anymore. I had finally got something I longed for since I was little. A lover. A house. A home...For once, I felt myself easing and becoming a better person. But as time passed, I realized it was all a charade. I ended up in a separate room. Eating dinners alone. Taking out my anger on animals. Then bottling it up as I bit the inside of my lip leaving an impression forever. I now wake up, work, gym (maybe), bed. I don't see people. I don't talk to people. I don't socialize. I cry. I cry because it hurts so much to be where I am after making it so far. I had a home. Somewhere I felt safe. Someone, who with a touch, calmed my roughest waters. ...I looked into a personality test recently. INFJ. I am an INFJ. I've never heard of that combination of letters when deceiving a person. But it's me.Someone who is calm…

30 Days of Pride - Day 15 thru 18

15. Name a company that is a positive force in the LGBTQ+ community. I can't say I know one major company that is not in it for the benefit of the LGBTQ+ community who isn't in it for themselves. Here in Springfield, the APO is out to help teach the community safe sex practices and help those who have it rough with home, insurance, etc.  16. Name your best quality. My best quality is my unconditional love. I've been in many situations and have seen many points of view. For that, I apply those to my life for better understanding and compassion for others. But, betray me and I'm not easy to forgive. 17. Share something you’d like to improve about yourself. My physical image. I'm obese in the gay community and average in regular culture. I want to be happy with my body so when I workout, I workout for me to be happy with myself. 18. Name someone you know who inspires you and share why. I can't say that I have really anyone that inspires me, sadly.