Dear Love,

I'm not sure if you'll stumble across this or not. Either way it won't matter much as I've made up my mind.

I've had this thought for quite some time and it's slowly switched places with the fantasy I was praying for.

...funny. Praying was the song on your radio when you picked me up. You had just started the Jeep and it begun at the first chord at the same second. I thought it was ironic but didn't think much of it until now.

This past weekend was... needed. I can't say it was great or awful because it was somewhere in the middle if not both. It has been half a year since I laid eyes on you and there you were inches in front of my face. I had went with the intention of a first date scenario just to keep to our word of progressing slow. That didn't last very long. You made me cry and you made me smile. Several times I just watched you. Taking in the details of your face, your body, your movements.

After getting back to my home, I've felt so man…


I'm home from my vacation and I'm at a loss for words.

Best I can describe it is: awkward hookup, minus the actual hookup.

I'm left with so many unanswered questions and so many more. Best I can gather is that I'm not wanted but at the same time I am. That I'm preferred as an leisure only when needed.

I went with the thought, the motive, that it was a first date situation. I didn't want to kiss him that first night. After many tears (and many more to come) I definitely didn't want to kiss him when I left.

I just don't know. All I know is I want to cry.

Story Time

He never was an air person despite what the personality test told him. But here was, in an overized metal dildo 37-thousand feet in the air.His eyes were glued shut and wouldn't budge for the slightest jolt. Though through his element he could feel everything about the plane. Every small bit of turbulence not transferred inside, the chill in the air, the thinness of the moisture, he felt it.DS exhaled heavily remembering all the things his friends said before he left."You'll be fine. Just relax.""Think of your destination and the fun you're going to have.""The odds of dying in a place crash is one in 30-million."*cough*Yep, there it went. The peppermint gum he was told to chew by the Witch, swallowed. Heaven knows he wasn't about to move from his solid stance to get another piece. If he was, he'd be blowing bubbles out his ass for each piece he swallowed when the plane jumped."Oh, I can do this. I can do this," he repeated to…

The Longest Night

You can say that a million things are going through my head and heart and you'd still be far from correct. You can see the nose as it turns and pulls up to it's gate.On so many levels this is an end. However, more so, it's a beginning. The possibilities are even more infinite with the physical distance between us.Parking myself in this small airline seat is much more difficult than parallel parking on a cliff.Whether it's here, or there, I can no longer see the future. The path may ultimately be set for me, but I cannot see it's direction. Usually I can see where I'm headed. It's finally dark out as the sun kisses the aircraft before disappearing on the horizon. I know I still love him. There's something to be said when though you may have physically moved on but your dreams keep pulling you back. And dreams, in most cases, are random and unpredictable.The jet engine kicks in reverse as it bounces down onto the sea of concrete. Emotions are mixed. Brain…

Hello My Old Friend

I'm on my vacation and where am I headed?


It's been the longest 7-8 months since our breakup. At the same time it was gone in the blink of an eye. But after reaching out to him over a month ago, I feel it's time to take another step.

A mixture of both excitement and fear tumble deep in my stomach. As the days have grown closer to this moment, it's been more and more evident what I'm feeling. However, as I type this all out I feel it being flushed out of me.

I'm excited that I can see my ex... my friend again. I can see his smile and feel his warmth on my skin. The feeling of love and that hole being filed deep in my soul. The hope and possibility of a new future in a completely different direction but in the right direction.

On the other side of that coin is all the fear. Fear that this will end as a hookup. Or possibly just drifting apart after I get back. If I'm to be paranoid, recently I've been seeing gaps in our conversation. Responses …

For the Love, For the Love

Not tryna be in that
Not tryna be cool
Just tryna be in this
Tell me how you choose It's something the way that my life has been going lately. For what I thought would just be bland, easy, and void, it's turning to be different.
Can you feel why you're in this
Can you feel it through
All of the windows
Inside this room Hopefully in a week my bedroom furniture is to be delivered. I'll no longer be sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I'll have more space for storage with a dresser; I won't need all my shorts, socks, underwear, and spare blankets tucked into an ottoman.

I have my washer and dryer still and they have only cost me about $10 more electricity a month. Where I was spending up to $20 a weekend, in some cases, to get clean laundry. My gym clothes no longer need to bathe in their stink for long periods of time.
'Cause I wanna touch you, baby
And I wanna feel you, too
I wanna see the sunrise and your sins
Just me and youI no longer really feel alone from day-t…

A New Glow

There, it’s been said. You can’t deny it now.
“Colt, you’re glow is back,” said my agent with a raised eyebrow.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times more.  Ever since I was little, materials things didn’t matter to me. Sure, what kid can deny the adventure of walking down Route 1 towards the first gym or traveling to a Shadow Realm. Those were fleeting moments that merely built structure to my life. No, my end goal from day one was finding that person who held the other half of my soul. And I like to believe that I’ve found him.
Originally thought to be a girl, because you know gay is a sin. I quickly realized that wasn’t making me happy denying who I was. When I finally admitted to myself what I actually was and what greatness I was hiding underneath, the world began opening up. When it did, he was there.
It can be argued that in today’s world there no longer exists a one true love but instead multiple loves that continue to push us forward until the end. I disagree. Th…