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Do I Drink Anymore?

I hate having to leave my friends in the middle of a gathering. But I hate even more not enjoying myself and feeling uncomfortable.

Last night was terrible. I'm happy that my friend found herself a good man but he is a lot of things that I want. He was muscular and rough. He was sexual and funny. He was social and confident. And apparently he fucks like a god.

But being a seventh wheel is humiliating. I've been a third wheel most my life and sometimes fifth, but never seventh. I stayed for about an hour before I just walked out. After I left I sent a message and it wasn't responded to until about an hour total after I left. In fact they haven't even said anything to me today.

I just want to find my place. I want to feel like I'm wanted and I want to be shown it. A touch, a smile, a gift. Something to show me that they see me standing there and want me to be there and are happy I am. All of my friends are good to me but I know that there's an end to our friends…

Cut

As I sit here with my large bottle of wine, I can't help but have a little smile on my face.

I thought I'd give myself my own card reading and see what I could draw. Of the book I was gifted it's hard to pick a spread that I wanted to use. So many seemed to fit the bill. I settled on the simple three card spread. My reading started out a little confusing by the way I picked up the cards but it became clear.

I do not want to be afraid. The future is full of many unknowns. Never did I believe I would look back a year ago and see my younger cousin resting in a coffin. His face void of any emotion. His mouth looked like it hadn't shown a smile in forever. All of my family that I hadn't seen in ages and this is how I had to be brought together. There was only one person I wanted to comfort me.

Same song, different words. Jacob, why was it Jacob? Why couldn't it be Jacob? Did Jacob not love me?

No, he didn't.

And from that moment it was the last bit of unravelin…

My Greatest Enemy

I really don't know what I need to do anymore.

I am literally the only thing standing in my way.

All I want to do is be held. I want to feel warm. Hear a heartbeat. Find my home. Be loved...

I used to be this person that didn't care about the time I worked the next day. You could catch me with friends out til midnight or later playing board games, watching movies, or just talking. Somewhere along the line I lost that.

My parents used to worry about me because there was a time I didn't have a worry in the world. I would skip gaily into an unknown location looking so rough and not pay any attention except to my end goal.

Then I got into a relationship. And I thought I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back I don't think I was.

I distanced myself from friends. I gave up on things that used to bring me joy.

...

And I finally did it. Or at least I hope I did.

While typing this and listening to Gavin DeGraw's Make A Move in the background, I deleted Jacob from F…

Never Enough

Hi! Omg! There has been many times that I've wanted to post but either got busy or distracted by something else. I'm posting tonight because I made a promise to a best friend I would. For some reason, she suggested it when I had been thinking I should.

Where to start?

Well, I guess for now I'm going to stay in the Field of Spring. Plans to move have been halted dramatically by both debt and my career.
I say career only because it's a type of "official" job with a fancy title and what-not. But it's not something I want to do forever. I have never been one for sales and for now that still holds true. Unless something gives in my personality dramatically it's not going to work.
As for my debt, that's pretty much a given. I've NEVER been this far in debt before and I'll be damned before I allow it to get worse (I say as I order pizza online instead of eating at home the leftovers previously prepared).

Before that I was becoming spam.

You ever…

It's Been A Long Time

Once upon a time I used to be able to get laid woth every paycheck. Sometimes more frequently. I'm so dry and dusty that I actually had a sex dream last night. First in forever. Forever!He was an old college roommate. Ha! The last one I would have actually. First college friend, too. Little twink-like guy with a firm chest, the right curves, firm ass, and... gifted.I guess I had cleaning on my mind as I prepare for Jacob to arrive as my dream was in a Walmart/my bathroom mix. We were in the cleaning aisles because I want to clean the grout before he gets here. We kept walking and I guess I have up because we just transitioned to my bathroom.I was upset over something. Probably the latest interest. I was getting ready to cry when he was suddenly shirtless. Then naked! And so was I!I felt my butt against the sink counter meaning I was as shocked as I thought. He stepped forward til our hips (and other things) were touching. He reached around my back and the other hand on my shoulder…

Dear Love,

I'm not sure if you'll stumble across this or not. Either way it won't matter much as I've made up my mind.

I've had this thought for quite some time and it's slowly switched places with the fantasy I was praying for.

...funny. Praying was the song on your radio when you picked me up. You had just started the Jeep and it begun at the first chord at the same second. I thought it was ironic but didn't think much of it until now.

This past weekend was... needed. I can't say it was great or awful because it was somewhere in the middle if not both. It has been half a year since I laid eyes on you and there you were inches in front of my face. I had went with the intention of a first date scenario just to keep to our word of progressing slow. That didn't last very long. You made me cry and you made me smile. Several times I just watched you. Taking in the details of your face, your body, your movements.

After getting back to my home, I've felt so man…

Sickening

I'm home from my vacation and I'm at a loss for words.

Best I can describe it is: awkward hookup, minus the actual hookup.

I'm left with so many unanswered questions and so many more. Best I can gather is that I'm not wanted but at the same time I am. That I'm preferred as an leisure only when needed.

I went with the thought, the motive, that it was a first date situation. I didn't want to kiss him that first night. After many tears (and many more to come) I definitely didn't want to kiss him when I left.

I just don't know. All I know is I want to cry.